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As Bill Withers sings in his 1972 classic “Lean On Me,” “We all need somebody to lean on.”
Friends, family, acquaintances, and those with shared interests all comprise the groups we’ve come to know as support systems. Yet, choosing the right factors to create a functioning support system poses challenges. How do you best select top-tier participants for a community involved in resolving issues, discussing life goals, and devising problem-solving tactics?
1. Identify What You Need
What does an ideal support system look like? Are close friends alerted to every life decision or choice made, or do you prefer to stick to a more discreet organization full of people sharing all the same values? After identifying the needs and wants of a support group, you’ll need to find the individuals willing to commit the time and energy to assist you.
Make a checklist of the potential group’s absolute needs, wants, and what they cannot tolerate. For example, a hypothetical support group requires members to set aside an hour a week to discuss matters, wants members to communicate at other times than the weekly meeting, and cannot tolerate discrimination based on appearance or hateful views.
2. Resources
This step comes after creating the checklist of wants and needs. What kind of resources do you keep in contact with? How can they help move the system to a feasible spot? Who, in regard to those resources, strengthens the network? Who fits within the guidelines? How do these resources affect the potential support system?
Based on the locations and resources available, can you use their offices for meeting spaces? What kind of services do they offer? How do they fit into the larger picture of the support system? Support systems work because everyone brings a new viewpoint and expertise. Which organizations are not included in the support system?
3. Boundaries
Jumping off of the identification checklist, assigning boundaries to a support system determines how well it works for a user. Picture a person with OCD looking for a group of others with whom to discuss their symptoms and experiences. Support systems do not replace therapy; however, they serve as safe spaces for speaking on certain topics. The person with OCD wants to mingle with others diagnosed with the condition, so they resort to an online community.
In the boundaries, they write an explicit statement saying anyone who pokes fun at the disorder or refers to it as an adjective will be dismissed. Asserting these boundaries assures serious participants engage in the space and weeds out non-serious people who want to mess around in an online group. Enforcing the boundaries permits the group head to stick to their beliefs and refuse to let others walk over them, an important factor in strong support systems.
4. Confidentiality
The second rule of Fight Club (support systems) is you do not talk about Fight Club (support systems). When someone expresses an issue or a matter affecting their life, the last thing they hope is for someone to listen with open ears and open arms and spread their information to all the people not involved in the group. That breach of trust disrupts the necessary confidentiality factor that makes support systems so vital.
Support systems might not need a contract or legal agreement, given that the community tends to be made up of friends or family, and the legality tidbit could inhibit the conversation. However, support systems need to confirm that every member shares the same mindset regarding confidentiality. Through mutual trust, more members find a stable, accepting place to open up.
5. Online
Who says online support systems don’t yield the same results as in-person ones? Many times, individuals with specific issues, such as divorce or family traumas, disorders, etc., can’t relate to those in their neighborhood or community spaces, so they branch out to others with similar stories. Online spaces are fabulous resources for these kinds of groupings.
Among the plethora of social media platforms dominating the internet, Instagram, Facebook, and Reddit are popular choices for online support systems. Reddit threads lend advice and ideas surrounding specific issues and happenings, and the best part is that users can post anonymously. Instagram identities gain traction and followers by sharing their experiences and truths, while Facebook separates members into chats and communities that bond over similar experiences.
6. Set up a Schedule
Individuals involved in a support system meet up or chat on a regular basis to keep up with one another and catch up. As life events unfold, schedules become cluttered, and weekly meetings become monthly check-ins. When that scattered schedule doesn’t provide enough time or support for one person, they reach out to members, looking for extra time to speak with their support system.
Ask every member of the support system to create a schedule that includes available and unavailable times each week. Also, include open times for emergency sessions in case someone needs them at a point when they aren’t available during their scheduled hours.
7. Engage in Hobbies
Finding a solid support system relies on being the backbone of others during trying times. Yet support systems showcase that support through other activities. Set up a bowling night, a movie gathering, a potluck, or anything that brings the cluster of people together for an outing outside of the typical support setting when we step away from the foundation, strengthening the group: support. We find shared hobbies and interests to further the connection.
When we focus on matters other than standing up for one another and listening, we can learn more about those in the support system. For example, arranging a bowling night demonstrates the kinds of people in a team: the team player, the person who prefers to listen and watch, the competitive one, and the group parent. All of those characteristics lay out different roles in the support system.
8. Accept the Care
While William James’s paraphrased saying, “acceptance is the first step,” points to recovery and overcoming addiction, people in support systems apply the same mindset. A support system for grief requires individuals to speak about their experiences and reflect on the past. Someone unwilling to hear what others add to the conversation or let others guide them provides valuable insight or healing from the process.
Accepting words and actions into one’s life changes the outcome and catalyzes a crucial healing process. For a support system to work, all members must agree on a mutual acceptance of care. Opening up and permitting others to provide insight and guidance greatly affects healing. An individual who lost a close friend won’t move forward by remaining silent and cold in a grief group.
9. Return the Care
No one wants to join a network filled with self-involved people who want to open up and share but don’t allow others to do the same. Reciprocation fosters healthy communities. The backbone of any support system relies on that requited communication tactic, so to benefit a community, everyone must give and return care.
When entering a meeting, keep an open mind, never ignore the speaker’s thoughts or wishes, and do not interrupt the person sharing for any reason. Pay attention to body language. Sitting with slouched shoulders and a head facing the ground makes people think you don’t care. Engage with the conversation, don’t interrupt, and offer guidance when asked.
10. Spend One on One Time With Each Person
Some people like to gather in large groups to discuss hot topics and arising issues. Still, others need that intimate, close-knit feeling attributed to a smaller bunch. Familiarizing oneself with one another improves the communication style prevalent in the group and strengthens friendships throughout the community.
Reserved folks may find that a bond between two people provides a sense of security and safety when sharing. While one may not want to explain a traumatic event to several people, confessing information to a single person institutes that trustworthy feeling.
11. Ice Breakers
Who doesn’t love a good, old-fashioned icebreaker game? The exercises mitigate nerves and awkwardness while people learn about the members of their new groups. Removing that initial discomfort unleashes a quick path to collaboration and communication. Icebreakers help begin conversations, which is one of the most difficult parts of hosting a sufficient support system.
Keep it simple with a name game, or add some theatrics to the introductory sessions. Once the team acquaints itself with one another, amp up the stakes of the icebreakers. The first session focuses on learning names, the second moves to everyone’s hobby, and by the third session, the bunch unveils bucket list wishes.
12. Understanding When a System Isn’t Working
Similar to therapy, support systems have the potential to start with fabulous connections, serving all their members. Over time, individuals may grow apart from others in the group. Situations change, people move, and all these factors contribute to the evolution of the network. An important factor in a support system is determining when one no longer works.
A member expressing higher stress levels after a meeting than before points to a system that no longer benefits that person. Any situation causing harm or intense distress proves harm instead of help. Before making decisions, evaluate the mental and physical effects stemming from the meetings.
13. Continue to Educate
Imagine a woman — let’s call her Sally — who suffers from depression. She turns to her trusted friends and family, sharing her struggles and asking them for their experiences. Sally’s neighbor (let’s call him Tom) never suffered from depression, so he doesn’t relate to what Sally feels. Nonetheless, Tom goes home and reads up about depression, demonstrating his care and sympathy for Sally.
14. Self-Care
One way to establish support in everyday life is through self-care. Now, although the title self-care suggests it’s done alone, many support systems utilize self-care exercises in their meetings.
Launch a support system get-together with a pledge of self-care. Each member must dedicate at least one hour to self-care each week before returning to the next meeting. Exercise, meditation, gratitude journals, healthy diets, and healthy sleep schedules all exemplify forms of self-care. Practicing these nourishes individual well-being and group chemistry.
15. Invite New Members
The Plastics, the support system in the cult-classic Mean Girls, stick by their mantra, “You can’t sit with us,” but we encourage the opposite. Establishing a support group asks for members to decide what kind of people they want to be involved in the community. Which values matter the most, which characteristics one must possess, and which character traits won’t bode well with others?
Illustrating those guidelines does not prevent new members from joining. Of course, a rigid support system requires screenings and trial meetings, but don’t reject a new person because they’re new. Question them about the group. Why would they make the next best member of the social system? What do they bring to the table? Invite them to an outing before inviting them to a meeting.
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